The Bachelorette Recap: Week 9: I Know What this Fantasy Suite Means, and I Know What It Implies

28 Jul

It is happening, people. We are down to Ashley’s final two suitors! And what a wily and wacky adventure this week’s episode was. Here is the lowdown:

This week we find ourselves in Fiji, which Ashley generously describes for us as “a set of islands in the South Pacific.” Ash is in her room getting ready for her date with Ben (and I believe she is shown pretending to write in a journal!) when she hears a knock on her door. And, lo and behold, it is Ryan, who has convinced himself that Ashley kicked him off because they’re date was not “conducive enough to romance.” Ryan, that is just pathetic. I have been there, friend, and it is a sad place to be. Ash opens the door and screams “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!” at Ryan with actual complete agitation. Ry tells Ash he’s sure that they shared something when he got out of the limo. Ash stares at him awkwardly and then reluctantly agrees. He wants her to consider taking him back, and tells her to take a few days to think about it.

Next, Ash meets Ben on a pier wearing a red bikini top and billowing white sarong. There is absolutely no discussion of his haircut. And it is clearly a new hairstyle for him because the back of his neck where his greasy locks once lay is now a sickly pale white. They talk about Ben’s mom; she’s so happy for him, blah, blah. Then they get on a yacht together and proceed to spread sunscreen all over each others’ bodies like a couple of perverted teenagers.

At dinner, Ben and Ash share a very awkward conversation about how comfortable they feel around each other in which they mostly speak in third-person pronouns. Ben says he has a huge grin on his face whenever he’s with Ashley, but he looks terrified as he’s saying this. Ben tells Ash he’s “on my way to the whole ‘I love you’ thing.” Yikes. I hope he doesn’t think that he just told her he loves her, because that definitely does not count. Ash takes out the Fantasy Suite card and says “I have something for you.” Ben, who is from Sonoma and clearly unfamiliar with Bachelor culture, naively replies, “Is it a kiss?” Ha! Then Ash and Ben go off to their Fantasy Suite. Ben looks really Zen in his glow-in-the-dark swim trunks. End scene.

Ash’s date with Constantine is next. They walk together toward a helicopter, and when it becomes clear that they will be getting on said helicopter, Constantine reacts like a 10-year-old boy, exclaiming excited profanities and pumping his fist with triumph. They get on the helicopter and ooh and ahh at the beauty of the world below them. Ash calls Constantine a “Greek God.” Gross. The camera then pans down to Ryan, alone on an island where he has been waiting for Ashley for days now like the giant loser he is.

The helicopter lands and Ash and Constantine approach a waterfall. Constantine reacts to the waterfall by screaming “hell yeah!” and pumping his fist with pleasure. The twosome then jumps into the waterfall in one of the show’s greatest traditions: the metaphorical “leap of faith” manifested in actually physically leaping, be it off a bridge on a bungee cord, out of a plane with parachutes, or, as in this case, into a natural body of water. This usually causes the leaping couple to quickly develop feelings of attachment to one another because of shared trauma.

Over dinner, Ash asks Constantine how many houses he looked at before he bought his. The answer: 108. This is supposed to demonstrate how logistical and meticulous – as opposed to emotional and impulsive – Constantine is in his decision-making processes. Constantine defends his house-hunt and says he was looking for a “man cave.” Run, Ashley. Run far.

Or… as it turns out, Ash doesn’t have to run. Because Constantine decides to go home! Ohsnap! Ash’s insecurities shine as she grills him about holding back versus leading with his emotions. Constantine says he’s not holding anything back; he’s just not 100% sure yet. Fair enough. Then he gestures toward the Fantasy Suite card and says, “This Fantasy Suite… I know what it means, and I know what it implies,” which is hilarious. And he tells Ash he wouldn’t accept the Fantasy Suite if he wasn’t totally in love, and then he tells her he’s leaving. I guess that ultimately it is decent and admirable of him to not accept the Fantasy Suite if he knows he’s not feeling it. Although… it seems like Ash is not really sure herself, and kind of just wanted to bone a “Greek God” in the Fantasy Suite while figuring it out. Either way… goodbye, Constantine. Go back to your man cave.

After her harrowing date with Constantine, Ash goes to see Ryan ­ ­– and the awkwardness continues. He is grinning and terrifyingly delusional. Ash tells him that, though their goodbye was premature, she knows letting him go was the right decision. Ryan looks devastated all over again, and then asks Ashley if he’ll ever find love. I think it’s pretty clear at this point that Ryan is just ready to have a partner, and that this has very little to do with Ashley specifically. I am also starting to think that this is all just a push by Ryan (and the producers?) to become the next bachelor. He tells the camera he just wants to find love, his heart is open now, etc., etc., and says “It’ll happen” once…twice…four times. PS If you like being really, really bored, I recommend watching the footage of Ryan’s “video diary” on

For JP’s date, Ashley is “putting it all out there.” Which basically means that Insecure Ash is in full form. She takes Jordan Paul to a magical island, where she tells him in the most cruelly misleading turn of a phrase in Bachelorette History, “I said goodbye to two guys this week.” Ashley, you cruel bitch. Jordan Paul’s eyes kind of light up, and then Ash explains that really she said goodbye to ONE guy, plus put Ryan in his place for good this week. Then Insecure Ash decides to talk a ton about how she doesn’t want Jordan Paul to be hung up on her other relationships and that he “can’t get to be where you need to be if you hold off.” Then she makes him promise that he’s not just there for the competition. It seems like Insecure Ash is just desperate for Jordan Paul to say he loves her, and will say and do anything she can to get those three words out of his handsome mouth. But Jordan Paul is still too scared to tell Ashley how he feels. He does however show a startling amount of confidence about winning – saying he’s ready for the end and that he wants the “journey” to be over. And contrary to the horror that I was led to believe would ensue during this date (ie. footage of an uber-pissed Ashley storming angrily away from JP saying things like, “he made his decision!”), they have a nice date that ends in a bright-red Jordan Paul accepting the Fantasy Suite invitation and heading off to the romantic villa where Ash changes into an oversized men’s button-up. Me-ow.

Even though there is no need for a Rose Ceremony this week, Ash in her fit of raging insecurity wants to have one anyway. This is because she weirdly wants to reverse the implications of the Rose Ceremony. Now, when she initially told her BFF Chris Harrison this, I pictured an amazing ceremony in which Ashley forced each hunk to hold a rose and ask her to accept it – just to further boost her confidence. Unfortunately, it wasn’t that exciting. She just kind of wanted Jordan Paul and Ben to really think about whether or not they accept this rose. Oh Ash, you’re so psycho! I LOVE you! Shockingly, both dudes accept their roses. And Ashley says she feels a sense of hope again.

As for next week – I am scared. I’m terrified! We know that Ash and Jordan Paul will have some kind of falling out, and at some point I remember watching footage of Ash crying in her waiting-to-be-proposed-to dress. The anticipation makes me want to puke. I think that ultimately JP and Ash make a better couple, but Ben is also awesome and they seem to genuinely like each other. What do you guys think? Will Ash choose Ben? JP? Will Ames and/or Ryan and/or Bentley come back for one last chance to sweep her off her feet? Will she end up cold and forever alone in her terribly nerdy apartment filled with dental supplies? Only time will tell, dear readers… Stay tuned till next week!


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